Status Report: 0501;092925;LUKE;N;DEASY
Live from New York it’s status report!
Getting uncomfortably public about addiction and mental health (and other random stuff) through unfiltered stream-of-consciousness writing [is that redundant?].
Introductory Remarks
Dear Zesters,
In last Friday’s post, Getting Graphic #54: Probability, we looked at a chart that pretty much showed like the actual probability distributions associated with certain phrases of likelihood. I thought it was really interesting. I always butter my bread with shit that bridges qualitative/quantitative divides and so this chart certainly scratched that itch. I think there’s also maybe something to be said about being hyper-specific and precise in defining the actual meanings of things we say. But I also acknowledge that, generally speaking, it’s not that deep. And that’s life!
Status
Overall Vibe
I think overall I’m in a very pleasant headspace and life-space right now. I’m starting to settle into a post-9-to-5 world—and am actually loving it. Really I think I just was really sick of working for someone else and like of renting my time out—and then also just like frustrated with the earnings ceiling generally associated with salaried roles (notwithstanding bonuses and profit sharing and stuff) and now it finally feels like my future and my life is more in my hands—and so I’m coming to grips with what that really means. The really really good news is that I almost closed / am hopefully about to close my first like consulting engagement for a landscaping business and so it just felt so fun to actually like pitch myself and my services—and I realized that I can do so pretty confidently and persuasively. And so I just have a new like energy for the challenges ahead—but feel really excited by it all. So I think, long story short, overall things are pretty good and it really does feel like I’m kind of entering a real, new, and exciting chapter of my life where I’m really kind of betting on myself and leaving things up to me to deliver—and that’s super exciting. In a lot of ways I’ve been lowkey waiting my whole life for this opportunity and to really make a name for myself and make a life for myself and like be on my own, business-wise, and so it’s just kind of slowly hitting me that I’m actually living out a dream / aspiration that has been on the back of my mind for so long. Of course with responsibility comes pretty significant downside risk. But that’s also why it’s all so liberating—because there’s huge risk but it’s also still all on me—like I’m not a passive participant in this equation—I can adjust, and refine, and work and grind and find new ways of marketing myself and my services and just keep learning and iterating—and so I’m just not and never will be helpless—and really that’s what feels amazing.
Energy
I think this is going to be the topic of my professional newsletter (s/o (vam)Brace Yourself), but now that I don’t have any set schedules or set structures or anything like that, I’m trying to be more intentional and/or thoughtful about how I spend my time and the type of uses of time that are effective and worth it and so on and so forth. And I think—and this isn’t particularly novel—what I really want to key in on is the exchange of energy in how I move throughout the world, in the people I talk to, and where I spend my time and effort. I have so much to give, and when I go in on something I really go all in, and so I want to really focus on who I’m going all in with, where I’m spending my time, and how that all impacts my energy. I’m not doing a good job of explaining it—but it’s one of those things that I can sort of really feel—and that I want to be better about tuning in to. Like there are people who give energy and those that take energy—and I think I just don’t really want to surround myself with people that take energy. Because there’s this beautiful thing that happens when you meet people that give energy in a way that actually makes me more energetic and more enthusiastic where we both just start vibing and it all creates the like beautiful ‘whole is greater than the sum of the parts’ type of thing. I don’t really know what this means but I think it’s a good heuristic and/or thing to think about as I try to create some structure in my life.
Accountability & Responsibility
As I try to really start a company and kind of build something from scratch, I’m much more aware of how ‘on me’ things are. There’s really nobody else that I can blame for failures and missteps and I think I’m learning to embrace that level of ownership—and it’s starting to actually feel good to wear that cloak of responsibility proudly, but not like with hubris, and just like really taking things as they come. I think I’ve spent so much of my life trying to blame other people or the world or like substance even for failures and inadequacies and fears and all that stuff—and it’s so so much easier to pretend like you’re the victim in a complicated web of disappointment and external manipulation or whatever from some nameless, faceless enemy—or perhaps some like supernatural and/or preternatural force, or like just the fundamental narrative of your life—and it’s easy to just become this complacent, pathetic, apathetic, and spiteful victim in this world. And so I think a big part of my sobriety journey honestly has been becoming more comfortable with myself, and coming to terms with my past, and the times I’ve failed, and the difficulties I’ve had, and the things I’ve done—and then also becoming more familiar with all parts of who I am, and all parts of my mind; and then once you kind of learn to love and accept who you have been and better understand who you are, then you can more actively and authoritatively shape the person you want to become. And so that’s where responsibility comes into play—because nobody is there to tell you that you’re an active participant in your life—or nobody is there to really like live that out for you. You can observe the behavior of others and sort of aspire to those behaviors and blah blah blah, but it’s just all really on you I guess. That’s all I’m trying to say. You can construct your values, your worldview, your principles, your interests, your focuses, etc., and then it’s on you to live those every day, and to put that attitude into the world, and to be in tune with what you’re feeling and how things are going, and then modify and adjust as needed to become closer with your values and stuff—and to find people that bring you joy and energy, and to support people close to you, and so on and so forth ad infinitum until you expire. Like that’s what it’s all about—just you up against yourself, believing in yourself, pushing yourself, trusting yourself, and loving yourself and seeing where things go. It’s beautiful—but also super fucking scary—which is why I think it’s easier to almost like outsource these types of difficult questions of responsibility and self-creation to like socially-acceptable and mimetically-reinforced “name-brand” experiences and institutions and stuff. I think I wrote about this a lot following my latest shroom trip. Actually let’s do a quick like 1.5-month retrospective on that shroom trip.
I am an imperfect being, in an imperfect world
So, if you remember, I had a really intense and super fucking scary shroom trip on August 9th, so a little over 1.5 months ago now—and it really fucking rocked me. It honestly probably took me like a week to fully “recover” and even then maybe like 2-3 weeks to feel like I was totally back to myself. I realized ex post facto that the actual strain of shrooms that I used was like super fucking powerful—like 3x a more common kind of shrooms—and I took a fuck ton of these shrooms—like 5.5g, and so I really kind of fucked around and found out honestly. And it was fucking terrifying.
But so, interestingly, it was a really powerful and like necessary I think experience and has had super profound and positive effects on my life in the time since. So, I do think that what I experienced was like effectively ego death—because I just really felt like this vivid battle in my mind of like myself fighting with myself—and I think I saw like a shiny, happy, and vivid version of me like grappling with a more shadow-version of me. And then I think what ultimately happened is that the more shadow-version of me actually kind of won the battle—and the vivid and bright version of me lost—and so in the immediate aftermath I kind of took that to mean that the ‘good-guy’ version of me had lost, and that there was no point in being good, and trying to do right, and being righteous and well-intentioned and bullshit like that. And so that’s why things were so hard—because after my 7/6/24 trip—which felt like i had sort of healed myself completely and I was a ‘perfect’ version of myself—it basically felt like I had killed that version of me—the version that pretty easily didn’t drink, and exercised religiously without a second thought—and so on and so forth. And so that’s why I think things were so hard for me right after the trip because it felt like I had thrown all the good in my life away and like turned my back on myself in a really scary way.
But, I think what I realized over time, which was really fucking hard, is that the person I was going into that trip felt like I perfect, and sort of really believed that I was and should aspire to be perfect, and so there was like almost imperceptible burden associated with the same old story of like having to prove to myself that I was good enough. The weird thing was just that, following my second trip, I did feel like I was successfully proving that I was good enough. And so if you have a set of rules and heuristics to determine your value, and then you actually start like pretty much accomplishing and satisfying those rules, then it can become intoxicating to really feel like you are valuable. But it’s the same like conditional equation that fucked you up in the first place. And so I think the persistence of that conditional self-love really created a very disciplined, yes, but also rigid and serious existence that wasn’t conducive to like exploration and discovery and just trying shit. And I’m at a point in my life right now, without a steady job, and also trying to start dating and find a long-term partner, and so on and so forth, when I really need to lean into discovery and authenticity and honesty and integrity and humility and whatever.
And so I just had a really really difficult time accepting that the person I was pre-8/9/25 trip actually wasn’t the person I wanted to be—because I loved that version of me soooooo much, lol. But that was the issue! I was still clinging onto perceived perfection, I just finally believed it! But so the tangible impact in the time since I had the super fucking scary 8/9/25 shroom trip is that I really can feel that illusion of perfection has been irreparably pierced—but in a super liberating way. And there’s like this weight that’s been totally lifted from my shoulders as it relates to how I move throughout the world. I don’t need to be perfect, or even pretend like I’m perfect, or put on a performance for anything. I can just try my best in every living moment, and move through the world with the knowledge that I am inadequate and imperfect, and that’s okay, because we all are. And so long as I just try my best and have some grace with myself then everything will be okay—and who knows what “okay” will even really mean—but just like, it’s all going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. Things will be okay. And instead of feeling like demotivated by my lack of perceived perfection, it’s actually hugely motivating. Because now there’s not some arbitrary and unhealthy conditional standard I’m trying to live up to. I can just live, and experience, and learn, and fall, and succeed, and push, and try—and then the rest will work itself out. And I can keep loving myself through it all. Because the cracks of my existence are what make me worthy of love. And that’s what makes me humans. And from these cracks can bloom beautiful flowers and a garden of experience and pain and failure and success and hope—and I just have to keep watering the soil of my soul with new experiences and with a positive attitude and adherence to my values and principles—and then I just need to appreciate the garden that blooms from the cracks of my existence. That was what the Grand Canyon taught me, I think, which I wasn’t tripping for—but it was the most like powerful and vivid visualization I’ve ever had while completely sober. And so, ya, that’s my new like focus in life and where I’m trying to take things in this world. Ya know.
New York
Okay actually last thing right now, and super quick, I really fucking love New York. I realized this weekend that I want to move here and spend some time here at some point in the not-too-distant future. The energy is just infectious and I think the professional potential of the city is top-tier (obviously), particularly as I’m trying to build something new and like make a name for myself. So I just know I want to spend some time here. A lot to figure out between now and then, but a good sort of overarching life-goal that I think will help motivate me in the near-term—and also attainable! So let’s see what I can do.
Concluding Remarks
Okay kind of wrote more than expected there at the end—but felt like stuff that has been percolating for like a month and a half now at this point—and really happy that I was able to construct some semblance of coherent thoughts there. It really was such a terrifying but also incredibly profound experience that has had really subtle but powerful ripple effects on my life.
Have a beautiful wonderful amazing week you’re so awesome! Your failures and struggles are what make you worthy of love! Own the flowers budding from the spiritual fissures of your soul!
With infinite zest for life,
Luke